Vivi
Tuesday, November 3 – 11:22 AM –
Well I’m okay, two days of heartbrokenness and today starts my anger days. Still upset and trying to make sense of how this happened. I guess this wouldn’t effect me as much as it does if I wasn’t so attached to you, but I am, I’m a little lost right now. I wish I told you sooner how I really felt about you but I did my best to stay in my lane: boundaries as they say. Vivi, after a little while I fell in love with all this, you, the way you spoke to me, etc. I knew it was not right but I could not help it. My imagination went a little wild, I was dreaming of that dangerous romance. I love a dangerous romance and when I saw you say that I laughed. Believe me I know my place but I’m a man who loves being in love. I dreamt of sweeping you away into some romantic blissful adventure but I knew that’s not likely to happen. I shared things with you, music, guitars, my life story, almost everything, I trusted you with it, you know more about me than almost anyone. Along the way you mentioned you wanted to tell me things, I assumed it was personal things, about your parents, how things were at home, I guess now your boyfriend and Yuuna. You did finally tell me but now I can’t reply to it, well at least not yet. I hope I can someday as I have my own story, a secret, a secret no one knows and when you said to me about your relationship with Yuuna I said I could talk to you about mine. uggh… Vivi, this wasn’t fair, I have no closure, I have no idea if we will ever talk like we did again😭, I just don’t know what to do. Did you ever read my September 15th and 16th story? You never told me you did. My most, I think my most important or interesting story. Well I hope one day you will read it and let me know. I woke up around 4AM and never fell back to sleep, I’ve been angry most of the day so far and doing my best to hide it from Janet, she has enough problems…. I never told you those…. Vivi, I don’t want to be selfish but I miss you, looking forward to you messages and replying back was always a good part of my day. I thought we were getting closer back in September then your grandfather passed, I worried for you, prayed for you and your family, I haven’t prayed like that ever, I learned a lot along the way and seems like I took a step towards spirituality but all this now seems like a test for me. The praying, the taking a step back and reflecting, it changed me a bit, a realization happened, it was like I was being told to not be in love with you but to love you deeply like a Grandfather, I found myself wanting to protect you, make you as happy as I could, route for you, encourage you, Vivi, in all that praying, not only by my maple tree but every where I went, something was changing my thinking, I was and is so powerful, as if someone was tapping me on the shoulder and saying, well now Danny, this is your role now, Vivi is a young woman and you need to be there for her. Maybe it’s because I looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw, a man aging, skin sagging, wrinkles, not standing up straight, just getting fucking old, it sucks but it’s better than the alternative, lol. Vivi, from here on in I just want to be your friend, your rock soul and a grandfather figure if you need me to be. I do have some advise to give but that’s for another time. Vivi, I love you with all my heart, I hope I meet you one day, with your boyfriend, Yuuna or both. Whatever is important to you. Oh man

When your grandfather passed and you told me he was 66 — I’m 66 — I thought to myself, oh no, I could be her grandfather. I worried for you, prayed for you and your family like I never prayed before. I learned a lot along the way and it seemed like I took a step towards spirituality, maybe I did but all this now seems like a test for me. In all that praying, by my maple tree and everywhere I went, I was thinking I’m a bit crazy, I never did anything like this before, then something shifted. And Vivi, I need you to know this — a few weeks before you ever called me your American grandfather, I somehow started to get this feeling, I don’t know how it got there, but it was powerful — like I was being told my role now is not that I’m in love with you, but to love you deeply like a father, a grandfather, to protect you, root for you, encourage you. I can’t explain it in words, I just don’t know how that happened